can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize