Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
