Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
