you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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