Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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