Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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