my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
