Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
