how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
