How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
