I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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