Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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