Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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