Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
