So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
