ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
