I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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