you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
