I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
