Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
