Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize