We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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