when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
