Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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