Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
