So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
