Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The uberlube is also flammable
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
