As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
