I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I love you.
Bad choice
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
