Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
