At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
