i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize