Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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