Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
