Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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