I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
