i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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