the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
