Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
