Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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