DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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