So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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