The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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