i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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