Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize