We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
