Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
