At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
