gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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