I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
