I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
