We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
