I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
