We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize