there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
