Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
