You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
