My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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