we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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